(Recipes Found in) Weird New Jersey

The Punk Rock Kitchen is relocating to a different (and much cooler) part of Jersey City soon, so I've been weeding through overstuffed drawers and doing some packing in preparation. Much to my delight, I uncovered a few recipes I copied out of a bizarre cookbook I found at a beach cottage we rented about ten years ago down in Avalon, NJ.

The "Favorite Recipes from Quilters" cookbook, published in '92, is chock full of odd concoctions. Among the delicacies in this book were a surprising number of recipes calling for Velveeta. Now, a book with a lot of recipes calling for Velveeta is not necessarily strange. But a book with a lot of recipes with "salad" in the name requiring Velveeta that also call for marshmallows, or canned pineapple in some shape or form - or both? Yeah, you get the picture.

I think "Grandma Bartel's Cheese Salad" takes the cake in that category, or to use Quilters recipe book parlance, Chocolate Sauerkraut Cake.

But before I get to Grandma Bartel's recipe, here are a few select recipe names I jotted down one rainy afternoon by the beach: Dump Salad, Meatza, Hamburger Stuffed Bread, Vegetables Fred and - yes, indeed - Chocolate Sauerkraut Cake.

Grandma Bartel's Cheese Salad
from Cheryl Bartel, Hillsboro, Kansas

Makes 10 servings

2 20 oz cans pineapple chunks
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1 heaping tbsp flour
1/2 lb Velveeta cheese, cubed
1 small package marshmallows

Drain pineapple and reserve juice. In a saucepan combine egg yolks, sugar, flour and pineapple juice. Cook until clear, stirring frequently.

Remove from heat and add pineapple chunks, cheese and marshmallows. Toss well.

(I think Grandma Bartel might have meant "Toss your cookies well.")

Another "salad" oddity, also employing the flour-thickened pineapple juice and sugar saucing technique is "Dot's Pasta Salad." While I enjoy a sweet, custardy treat once in awhile, I don't quite grasp Dot's insistence on adding pasta to an already carb-laden glob. But, here we go:

Dot's Pasta Salad
from Barbara Nolan, Pleasant Valley, NY

1 lb small pasta
2 tbsp flour
3/4 cup sugar
2 tsp salt
2 eggs
2 15 oz cans pineapple chunks
2 11 oz cans mandarin oranges drained
2 9 oz cartons whipped topping
1 medium jar maraschino cherries

Cook pasta 6-8 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold water. In a saucepan, combine flour, sugar and salt. Add eggs and juice from pineapple. Cook till thickened. Cool.

Mix cooled sauce, pineapple chunks and oranges with pasta. Refrigerate overnight.

Fold whipped topping and cherries into pasta salad. Garnish with fruit of choice. (Editor's Note: By fruit, Dot means something canned and in thick syrup, of course.)

Now, if you've read this far, I'm sure you're dying to know what this dish unfortunately deemed "Dump Salad" is exactly. Well, the recipe from Joyce Nierman of Fruitland Park, Florida is formed from "dumping" drained crushed pineapple mixed with dry orange (or lime!) gelatin in a bowl with cottage cheese and whipped topping. Perhaps the real dump comes later.

Whaddya know? You can buy "Favorite Recipes From Quilters" on Amazon.

Over 700 Sold!

When I published The Punk Rock Kitchen's Cookie Chaos! back in '04, I did it on a lark. A goofy idea of combining a love for punk rock and makin' cookies became a true endeavor costing time and resources (read: cash). Honestly, I don't think I can say I thought I'd sell too many of these silly little cookbook-lets.

I keep a running tally of my sales, and figured I'd check out the latest. Would ya believe it? More than 700 of these suckers have been sold over the years, many to individual buyers purchasing through this site or eBay, and many through Bust Magazine's kick ass Boobtique.

I'm so glad to know there are other nuts out there (from Alaska to Australia) who appreciate their sugary cookie dough with a little raw geetar power!

It's one project I can say has made me rich - in spirit that is.

Thanks to all!

Girls Rock Campers Jam with Rock-Out Cut-Outs

Wow, talk about the ultimate privilege: The super cool chicks at Girls Rock Rhode Island topped off a week-long rock 'n' roll extravaganza by whipping up some of the Punk Rock Kitchen's signature Rock-Out Cut-Outs for snacktime!



I only wish I could have attended one of these rock camps when I was a kid. SO COOL!

Keep rockin' ladies!

Happy Customer

How's this for a great message from a recent Cookie Chaos! buyer: "Thank you so much for shipping asap..received it this am..perfect..you rock..."

Love it!

What I Dig About Christmas: Cookies

I'm not always into the holiday spirit, and this year, honestly, was no different. But, I LOVE making these amazing Italian cookies each year. And this year was no different.



I make the date-filled cookies (inspired by the classic fig-filled Italian variety) with my Rock-Out Cut-Out dough. That recipe is in the Cookie Chaos! booklet. I use that dough for the sesame cookies as well. Sometimes, if I think to seek out black sesame seeds, I do black and white, since it's more dramatic and special that way.

As for the cute sandwich cookies in the middle, those are hazelnut baci cookies, another Italian recipe which I tried for the first time this year. They do take time and I have to say I was surprised at the relatively small number of cookies I ended up with considering the work that went into them. However, these are scrumptious and very well worth it for special occasions. They're somewhat like a hazelnut version of Pepperidge Farm Milanos. Yum.

I can't seem to locate the recipe I found online for these (I printed out several and settled on one that had the combination of ingredients I thought would turn out the way I wanted). This one, from Michael Chiarello is very close. I used granulated sugar instead of the confectioner's and it turned out just fine. I rolled small marble sized balls of dough and placed them on cookie sheets to bake, rather than spooning the dough out onto the sheets.

Slaughterhouse Live Ones

Weird scene last night at Bar 9 in Hell's Kitchen. This stream of guys in suits walked in during the Live Ones set -- like 8 or 10 of them -- and while passing by the stage, one of 'em yells, "Fuckin' suits! I hate suits!" or something to that effect. Translation: I know we look like douchebags but, I assure you, we're actually cool.

As they shuffled past towards the back room, they peered at the stage as though Mike, Jon, and Shane were behind bars at a zoo -- as though they'd stumbled upon some sort of kitschy, ironic rock act.

After awhile, they all walked out together like some white collar chain gang. My bet was Bar 9 was a pit stop en route to hustler club, or chyna dolls, or lace and pearls or whatever cheesy strip joint they ventured to the west side for.

...Oh, and Live Ones were great - lots of cool new tunes. Brought Low kicked it, too.

The Glam Rock Heathers

The pop culture world seems to think it's the '80s again, but the rock/punk subculture in NYC seems to think it's the '70s. Maybe not, but hear me out.

Last night, at the Zeros show at Southpaw (which was amazing despite the fact they didn't play "Girl on the Block"), there must have been five guys with the same ridiculous glam rock mullet (which I guess qualifies as a late '70s/early '80s thing).

Anyway I've seen these dudes around at other rock shows in recent years, and I have to laugh when they all kinda roll in together with their stupid hair and vests and tight jeans and platinum-headed girlfriends. It's so high school: to be my friend and validate my persona, you must look and act like me, otherwise I will not trust you and my insecurity will be exposed. Oh, and ya gotta love Hanoi Rocks.

I can't seem to find a photo that captures their redundant hairdos.

UPDATE: I think Christopher Guest's Nigel do in Spinal Tap is close. Paul McCartney's in this photo is close, too:







And Friday night was just plain strange. After traipsing around Brooklyn for a couple hours with friends following the Spits show (another great one) at the new Knitting Factory, we landed at Glasslands -- definitely not my typical haunt. It seemed like the whole crowd had stepped out of a Dazed and Confused extras casting call. MC5 rip-off band hammin' it up on stage as 20-something chicks in tight bell-bottoms slinked around below.

Then there was Harry Shearer as Derek Smalls look-alike. I mean, the long hair, the stupid long mustache. I think he had a tinfoil wrapped cucumber in his pants, too.




But, who am I to judge? Let he without sin cast the first pet rock.