So far my day's consisted of waking up really late and sitting on my arse, half-heartedly working on my laptop while flipping between the Food Network and Travel Channel. Today there were all these shows on Food featuring peanut butter recipes. Peanut butter is one of my fave foods, man. Unfortunately, it's too fattening and always gives me hearburn and this annoying lump in my chest when I eat it, so I typically stay away from it. Sucks.
Regardless, I did thoroughly enjoy drooling over this grilled peanut butter, banana, bacon and honey sandwich Sara Moulton made on her boring but educational Sara's Secrets show. And Paula Deen (my cooking idol) made this peanut butter pie that looked super yummmmmmaaaay. I totally dig Paula Deen 'cause she's just so into the food she makes. No matter what dish she prepares, she always has this near-orgasmic response when she tastes it. You can almost see the tingles going up and down her body. She totally cracks me up. Plus, I love the way she says "oil":
ao-wl.
Besides a handful of other hosts (Gale Gand -- the dessert queen, Mario Batali, Tyler Florence and Alton Brown in small doses), I pretty much want to strangle everyone else on that channel. Overall, I'm frustrated that the channel caters more to food spectators than people who love to cook and want to learn how to do it better. It's too focused on personalities (most of whom are incredibly annoying) and not enough on education, the main intent of the great TV chefs I grew up watching, like Jeff Smith, The Frugal Gourmet (RIP).
Emeril Live is perhaps the best example of this unfortunate programming shift. The studio audience is full of addle-minded NYC tourists in awe of anything featuring pork fat and garlic. I mean, these are people who consider Taco Bell "ethnic."
"Ooh, hunny, wouldja lookit that? I thought garlic only came in powdered form. That Emrall shure is an advenshruss eater.... Couldja pass the Essence? I gotta spice up my tots."
All I can think of is that great Kids in the Hall sketch in which Scott Thompson plays a befuddled middle-aged housewife lamenting the popularity of "exotic" foods like salsa. "What ever happened to the good ol' days when our spice racks consisted only of salt, pepper and paprika, and we liked it?" she wonders woefully. If she only knew she was being played by a gay man, she'd be truly shocked....
But I digress. Despite Emeril's incessant bam-blather, mentally-challenged studio audience and obnoxious late night talk show style, he ain't got nothin' on Rachel Ray. This chick makes me wanna tear my hair out. She reflects poorly on all of us raised in upstate New York. (I'm from Buffalo myself.) The grating voice, accentuated Western New York accent, the stupid giggling, the "EVOO," the goddam "garbage bowl"....UGH! And where the fuck does she get bags of cut and washed veggies fer crissakes? In Jersy City, I'm lucky if I can get broccoli that
isn't rotted, dairy products that
aren't expired or corn meal that's
not infested with fucking maggots! No joke. 30-Minute Meals, my ass!
I could sit here for hours and spout-off about why I can't bear watching Giada De Laurentiis, Michael Chiarello and Sandra Lee, but I'm sure I already look like an obsessive douche-bag, so I'll stop now.
